So much left unsaid
by Merowen
Summary: Missing scenes from JoA. NEW: Chapter 13: LukeKevin bonding after the scene with the toys. Please R&R.
1. Back to normal

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, never were, never will be. I wouldn't mind keeping them though. But I'm not going to exchange my family for the Girardis. My family's the best! Can I have both?

**A/N: **Every time I watch an ep of JoA I have the feeling that something's missing. Maybe that's just because I don't want it to end, but I'll try and fill in some scenes into the episodes, starting with the Pilot.

English is still not my first language and this hasn't been beta-ed, so consider yourself warned. :-) If you like it, I'd appreciate it, if you could leave a review – just to know that somebody actually read it makes the writing so much more rewarding. Even though – to be honest – I write this more for me than for anybody else. Anyway, here we go:

**Pilot** - _Back to normal_

_(The continuation of the scene that ends with Joan and Kevin play fight)_

„Kevin, please, stop it! Stop it, please!" Joan was still giggling helplessly on her brother's lap while he continued tickling her. It felt weird to have one of these tickling fights with him again and she had to admit that he'd definitely gained some strength in his arms. Not that she'd ever had a real chance against him, but right now, even though she was kicking and fighting and trying to free herself, he was keeping her on his lap where he could reach her and continued to tease her.

"Stop it!" she shouted again and finally her brother stopped. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, suppressing her fighting and asked, "So you want mercy? You're going to surrender?" Having Joan so close and fighting with her hadn't happened in a while and Kevin had to admit that he was glad he still had the drop on her. Even though she was holding that glass in her hand.

"A truce?" Joan suggested, but raised her hands in defence when Kevin started tickling her again. "Okay, yes. I declare unconditional surrender! Just stop it, please!"

Kevin laughed and finally let go, giving Joan and chance to relax and come up for air. She put the glass back on the table but stayed seated on his lap. "You're such an idiot," she complained. "I was really scared I'd hurt you."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Stop worrying so much, okay? I remember the fights we had when we were kids and they were so much harder and rougher."

Joan nodded. "Yeah, they were. Especially the ones between Luke and you. One of you ended up bleeding or hurting almost every time and usually it was Luke."

"Exactly. You know that our little brother hardly had a chance against you and I was the stronger one anyway, neither you nor him hardly hurt me, so why did you freak out this time?" He knew the answer but right now he felt good and able to confront her. And he felt as if it was time to confront her. Things had always been easy between him and Joan and with all the stuff going around them he wanted at least her to loosen up again.

Joan bit her lip and looked into her brother's eyes. "You know why, don't you?" Why did he have to turn the fun fight into such a serious conversation? But maybe it was her, who'd been so serious about it from the beginning. It had been Kevin who'd started to make fun of him kicking her, not her.

Kevin raised his hands as if to strengthen his irritated expression. "No, not really. I'm as healthy as I will get, so please stop pampering me! It's hard enough to see Mom trying _not_ to protect me and do all the things for me, so please stop doing it too, okay? The chance of you hurting me has halved, so stop worrying. A single kick from you will not kill me."

Joan wrapped a strand of her hair around a finger and said, "I know. And when you say it, it sounds so easily, but you didn't see yourself in the hospital and later at home... you were so..." She was looking for words and stared at the floor, avoiding Kevin's gaze. All the hurt was written in her face, all the horror of the days after the accident and all the worry if and how her brother would live.

"...broken?" he finished her sentence. When she nodded, he continued, "I know. Don't you think I know? Please believe me, I know how much I hurt all of you, how much everybody's life changed, but can't we go back to normal?"

"Because Mom loves normal and Dad really loves normal?" Joan asked, slowly looking up again and saying the words back at him, he'd used only a few minutes ago.

Kevin smiled. "Yeah, because they love normal and because we love it too."

"We all love normal, but can't you understand that beneath all this unreal normalcy we're pretending, we still want to help you? That we're still worried about you?" Joan was now looking at him again, trying to make him understand that it was still hard for all of them to pretend as if nothing had changed and not to treat him differently. That sometimes, despite all her effort, it would just happen.

Kevin understood even the words she didn't say out loud. "I can accept that and I do. But I can't let you anymore. So, slap me in the face or kick me if you feel that's appropriate. And don't worry so much. I won't break again."

Joan looked him in the eyes again and Kevin could see all the worries and the sorrow there when she asked silently, "You promise? 'cause I couldn't stand that again."

He bit his lip and nodded. "I promise. When you promise not to be insane and talk to me before Mom asks me to."

Joan nodded too. "Yeah. I can do that. I guess I'm fine."

"So am I. Despite you kicking me and splashing the water in my face I feel great. I missed our oh so friendly way of non-verbally solving problems." He smiled brightly, proving his words to be honest.

Finally Joan smiled a genuine smile. "Yeah," she said, "Me too. And... thanks for the... you know... talk."

"Hey," Kevin grinned. "That's my brotherly duty."

"Glad you're back," Joan whispered and hugged him, before standing up.

"Me too," Kevin replied and hugged her back before letting her go.

"Joan! Kevin! Dinner's ready!" they heard their mother yell from the kitchen.

"Guess it's time to face the parental units," Kevin grinned.

"Yepp. You're coming?"

"Yepp." He released the brakes of his chair and followed Joan through the door. Maybe at least Joan would stop worrying and things would slowly go back to normal.

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**A/N:** So, what do you think? That's a way to go? I'd like to explore more scenes and more episodes, so leave me a review, will you? Thanks.


	2. Parcheesi

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, never were, never will be.

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the reviews on chapter 1, they really made me feel good. Here's more for you to enjoy – well, I hope. It would be cool if you could let me know if you liked it.

**_Pilot _**

_Parcheesi _

_(A scene inserted after the Joan/ Kevin play fight scene)_

After dinner Joan went to the living room to watch some TV. When she'd just sat down on the couch her mother entered the room.

"Hey," Helen said.

"Hey, Mom!" Joan replied, not looking at her, instead focused on the soap that was airing on TV.

Helen said down on the armrest of the couch and leaned her head against the backrest, looking at Joan expectantly. After a little while Joan noticed that her mother was trying to get her attention and asked, "What?"

"Did you and Kevin have fun?"

Joan looked at her skeptically. "Yeah. And yes, he talked to me. I'm fine, Mom, really." She hesitated, then asked, "What do you want?" Kevin did talk to me, I'm not crazy... what more is there to be said?

"I want Kevin to get a driver's license," Helen said slowly. "And he's not exactly enthusiastic about it."

"Who'd guess?" Joan said sarcastically. "He was injured in a car accident." What is she thinking? She should know why he doesn't want to get in a car again.

"But he wasn't driving," Helen insisted. "And he's been in cars a lot since then, just not as a driver."

"So you think his rejection isn't based on his bad experiences with cars?" Joan grimaced but thought that her mother could be right. Maybe this really wasn't about the accident as such.

Helen explained, "I think he's comfortable with hiding here, not going out, not having a life. But this can't continue forever." Well, it could, she thought to herself, but then I'll go mad. And I won't ask Kevin to talk to me about it. Even though that would really be strange.

Joan did agree with her mother but thought about what Kevin had told her earlier. He wanted to do things his way and in his speed. "No," she nodded to tell her mother that she thought she was right, "it can't. But shouldn't it be his decision when it ends?"

"Maybe," Helen agreed halfheartedly. "But I can't stand waiting any longer." Sighing she admitted, "I've been at the Department of Motor Vehicles today and got him some brochures."

"Oh no, you didn't!?" Joan said, knowing it was true. Kevin was surely thrilled by that act.

"But... if I don't do it, nothing will happen." Helen said frustrated.

"So now what?" Before she'd finished her question, Joan knew the answer and sighed. "You want me to talk to him." Please not. Don't make me talk to him about this. He's going to kill me.

Helen nodded. "You two were both smiling when you came out of the study, so I guess your talk before dinner was fine." A smile crossed her lips when she thought about their kids' happy faces.

Joan rolled her eyes. "Is this your 'make-Kevin-and-Joan-talk-day'? We had fun, but not so much because of the talking." She grimaced and smiled, wondering if she should tell her mother, then decided to do it and continued, "We had a tickle fight. He teased me, I emptied my glass of water in his face and he started tickling me. Now happy? Not too much serious talking."

A tickle fight? Her mother smiled widely. "You did?" She couldn't remember the last time they'd done something like that, it seemed like a lifetime ago. Another life in another city. But it seemed a good sign, a sign of Kevin opening up a little.

Joan nodded and shrugged. "Yeah."

"That's great."

Joan grinned. "That's a first. You always wanted us to stop fighting."

Helen nodded, remembering wounds and little injuries caused by fights between their kids. Usually nothing serious had happened, but Joan was right, she'd always wanted them to stop fighting and do some less aggressive things together. "Things change." She simply said, knowing that today she was happy that they were doing something together.

"More than we want them to." Joan nodded, knowing that her mother had never been excited about any changes in their lives, especially not those for the worse.

Helen hesitated a little but started to ask something. "So... isn't that a chance for you to... well..."

"... make him get his license?" Joan finished, knowing that her mother really wanted to help and knowing that she was right. Her chance of persuading Kevin was surely much higher than her own. "I can try, okay? But I'm not the one to push him hard. I will ask him, but not more."

"Thanks," Helen smiled. "He's in his room."

"Now?"

"Please?" her mother pouted.

Joan rolled her eyes but nodded and stood up. "Okay."

Sighing she walked up the stairs and headed towards Kevin's room. His door was open and she saw him lying on his bed, reading a book. She realized that she hadn't been in Kevin's room for a while and hadn't seen him out of his wheelchair for quite some time either. If she just blinded out the trapeze above his bed and the wheelchair standing next to it, this looked pretty much like a scene that could have happened two years earlier too. Only that Kevin would most likely not have been reading but being out, meeting some girl or playing baseball. She shrugged off the thought and because he still hadn't noticed her presence, she knocked at the doorframe.

"Hey," she said when he looked up.

"Hey," he answered, surprised to see his sister in his room.

Joan slowly walked closer to him, her gaze stopping at the handicapped driving brochure on the desk. She took it and skimmed through it. "So Mom wants you to get your license, hum?" she asked, not really knowing how to start this talk.

Kevin grimaced. "She's thrilled by the idea to see me in a car again."

Joan grinned, trying to find something positive for him to remember, "Well, it would be cool if you could give me a ride again, every once in a while. Do you remember how we used to sneak out after dinner and get a burger?"

Kevin smiled, remembering how they had sometimes boycotted their mother's food and got something else instead. "Mom's stew is not eatable, what were we supposed to do?" he asked back.

His sister shrugged. "We eat it now, we could have done before. Even though I admit that she knows a lot of other stuff better than how to do stew. Wouldn't it be cool if we could do that again?"

Kevin grinned, pretty sure that this forced conversation hadn't been Joan's idea and planning on teasing her nonetheless. "Well, yeah. So why don't you get your driver's license and we can take Dad's car which, I have to add, I wouldn't be able to drive anyway."

Joan raised her hands in a gesture of defense. "When did we start talking about me?"

Finally putting the book on the nightstand Kevin looked at her skeptically and asked straight out, "Mom sent you, didn't she?"

Joan rolled her eyes, feeling caught red-handed. "Yeah, she did. She really wants you to get your license."

"I know." Kevin stated as a matter of fact, wondering where this was leading. He would have to talk to his mother about sending Joan when this was over.

"So ..?" Joan asked.

"So what?"

Joan raised her hands again, this time to emphasize her question. She really wanted to know what he was going to do and if there was a chance to persuade him to do what their mother considered good for him. "What are you going to do? Are you going to get it?"

"Maybe."

"Am I supposed to tell that to Mom?" Great, Kev, she'll be really happy about a maybe. She wondered why he wouldn't try any harder but didn't ask any more questions.

Kevin shrugged, wanting to escape the conversation. "She'll figure it out."

"But don't you think she's right?" Joan asked, feeling the desperate need to get Kevin out of his lethargy and back into life. "If you could drive you could get a job."

"As if it'd be that easy to find a job." Kevin stated this in a really frustrated voice, still trying to escape his sister's questions but not knowing how to. He knew that she, like their mother, wanted him to do what she considered best for him. The question was if it was really the best for him. What was so bad about what he was doing right now?

"Nobody said it would be easy but it's not _that_ hard," Joan insisted. "I bet you could find something. You're clever enough, handsome enough..."

"Paralyzed enough," he continued her listing and created a frustrated look on her face. "I already told Mom that I'm not the brains of the family and I mean that."He sighed, not knowing what to do with her, now, that she had come here, what he really enjoyed, but not wanting to talk about this topic. He then decided to say it out straight. "Joan, will you please stop that? You're welcome to come here and talk or whatever, but not this kind of thing, okay?"

Joan looked at him and wondered if she should leave, leave him alone again like he'd requested so many times in the last months, then decided against it. "Okay, then whatever."

"Whatever?"

"You said talk or whatever. Since I don't know what to tell you and since talking about Mom's topic is no alternative anymore, I'll go for whatever." She waited for his response, not knowing if she'd crossed a border she shouldn't have crossed. Maybe he didn't want her here. And what should 'whatever' be?

Kevin seemed to realize her tension and grinned. "When you were little, you'd always make me play with your dolls when you had the choice."

Joan grinned too. "Well, you always let me lose when we played something else. Not only sports, you also made me lose Parcheesi. So dolls was the way to go."

"You want revenge?" Kevin asked, still grinning, now that he had a plan.

"In Parcheesi?"

Kevin nodded. "It's on the shelf back there. You could get it."

"Sure."

Joan smiled and went to the shelf to get the game. When she turned around again, she saw Kevin adjusting his position on the bed to make place for them to play and had to swallow. Having seen how he pulled his legs closer to the side of the bed and put a pillow behind his back, Joan was reminded of the time when Kevin had come home from hospital and had needed so much help. Their mother had been so busy with it that Joan had offered to learn a little too to make things easier for all of them. Back then she'd often been with Kevin, hardly talking though, just helping him through his everyday routine. Now, that he had regained a lot of his independence, she hadn't been close enough to him to watch him handle things without his wheelchair. It had really been a long time since she'd been to his room and had seen him without it.

Kevin had noticed her looking at him, lost in thoughts, but really wasn't in the mood to have another heavy discussion with her. "Are we gonna play or what?"

Joan nodded, opened the box and started to unfold the board and put it on the place on the bed he'd vacated. Kevin took the men and placed them on the board until there was another knock at the doorframe.

"Hey, I just wanted to..." Luke started but didn't finish. "Parcheesi?"

Kevin nodded, smiling at his brother's excitement about a children's game. "Wanna join in?"

"Sure," Luke nodded and stepped closer, taking a seat on the bed, Indian style, next to the board and Kevin's legs.

Joan picked the figures in another color from the box and placed them on the board too, then took Kevin's wheelchair to sit down in it.

Luke asked, "Who starts?" oblivious to the strange look on Kevin's face.

Kevin's thoughts wandered to his sister in his wheelchair and how strange it looked. Then he realized that to her and his family he'd have to look as strange every time they say him, only that they'd gotten used to it after so many months.

"The first one with a five," Joan said and handed him the dice. "Youngest to start trying."

The three of them started to play and were soon engrossed in their game, not noticing their parents who'd stopped on the floor and looked smilingly at their children.

"It's not a job," Will said to his wife, but she only shrugged.

"It's good to see them like that again."

"It is."

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**A/N:** _Okay, I had a cultural problem here. The game I thought of is called "Mensch ärgere dich nicht" here and the translation I found for that is "Ludo". Looking for "Ludo" on Google turned out that it isn't really popular, so I went with "Parcheesi" which seems to be much more well known. I hope it really is. If not, please let me know. Maybe you have another idea for a game, so I'll go and fix it. M._


	3. My Own Wheels

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, never were, never will be.

**A/N: **This is again some Joan/ Kevin bonding... I promise some more characters in the chapters to come ;-)

_**The Fire and the Wood**_

_My Own Wheels_

_(A scene to show what happened after Kevin left dinner unfinished)_

"I've already got my own wheels."

Kevin's sentence still hung in the air when he'd already left the room. Helen let her fork sink to her plate, upset and frustrated, looking as if she was going to cry.

Luke and Joan looked at each other, not saying anything, but -like their parents- suddenly extremely aware of the lift bringing Kevin upstairs.

Will looked at his wife and slowly shook his head, knowing her well enough to feel her need to get up and talk to their son. "Give him some time. He'll calm down."

Helen nodded and Will said to Luke and Joan, "Go on. Food's getting cold."

They obeyed though they both weren't really hungry any more. They couldn't get used to Kevin's anger, to his fits of rage and to the many meals he'd left unfinished. They both picked at their food until their mother finally released them and told them to bring their plates into the kitchen and help her clean up.

When they were finally done, Joan and Luke both went upstairs in their individual rooms until Joan stopped before entering hers. She nodded towards Kevin's room where the door was open but no light on.

Luke shook his head, obviously not thrilled by the idea to face his brother again tonight, so Joan shrugged and entered alone and at her own risk.

"Kev?" she asked quietly, wanting to talk to him, "Are you awake?"

"No," he answered, the voice coming muffled. "I'm sleeping. And I'm not answering any questions concerning cars."

Joan's eyes had finally adjusted to the dark and she saw Kevin lying in his bed on his back, the blanket pulled up over his head.

"I'm not here to talk about cars. I'm here to talk about Mom." Joan said, knowing that it was only half true, but better than nothing.

Kevin sighed, but pushed the blanket from over his head and reached for the trapeze above his bed to pull himself in a seating position. Supporting himself with one arm he now sat on his bed and looked expectantly at Joan. "And what's there to talk about?"

Joan sat down on the bottom end, next to her brother's feet and said, "You really hurt her. She asked a simple question, maybe one you didn't like, but you really hurt her. She didn't deserve that."

"I know," Kevin said slowly, scratching his head with his free hand. "But she makes me so... err... I just couldn't stand it any longer."

Sighing, Joan looked at the ceiling before looking at Kevin again. "How long are you going to continue these games? She wants you to do something, you don't want it and you two end up fighting or not talking or whatever. Could you please have in mind that there are five of us living here? Not only Mom and you?"

Kevin raised his hands in defense and raised his voice. "Then tell her to stop bothering me. I will get a job, I will get a car, I will do it and she will finally be happy, but I need some time for it. The world out there does look a little bit different when you're sitting down, so bear with me."

"Maybe she just thinks that you had enough time to adjust and to figure things out." Joan tried to explain. "She really wants just the best for you and you're giving her such a hard time."

"She sent you again?" Kevin suddenly asked, a suspicious frowning on his face.

"No, not this time," Joan said. "I'm as tired of your melodramatic leavings as everybody else is. I'm just trying to tell you that this effects all of us, not only you and Mom."

Kevin's voice was really angry now. "I know that. Of course I know. But how am I to change it? She's the one to always interfere in my life, to always make me feel like a little boy."

"You ever told her that?" Joan asked, her voice quiet as if to calm him down.

"That I'm tired of her interfering? Yeah, I did." Kevin stated as a matter of fact but his tone also implied that it hadn't changed anything.

"And do you know why she does it?" Joan continued asking, knowing she'd need him to understand their mother before things could get better. "Don't you think there's a reason for that?"

"Because she's Mrs. Know-it-all?" Kevin re-asked provocatively.

Joan sighed, not understanding why he was so restive. "Come on, Kev, you know that's not true."

"Yeah, I know," her brother nodded, finally giving in, at least a little. "So you want me to ask her?"

"Yeah, I want you to understand her and maybe you can make her understand you. And then the rest of us will finally be out of the line of fire." Joan said and looked relieved when Kevin nodded again.

"Okay. Fine, I'll ask her. But not now and maybe not even tomorrow. But I will, okay? And I will try to be nicer to her. You're right, she deserves it." Even though I deserve some respect too, Kevin thought, but chided himself not to go down that road again. Joan was right, it was his turn to be a little nicer to their Mom and he would, right in the morning. Maybe he could say her thanks and maybe they could really stop fighting.

Joan nodded. "Guess that's the best I'll get for tonight."

Kevin grinned. "Yepp. It definitely is, because I'm going back to sleep."

"You're going to hide under your blanket again?" Joan asked teasingly.

"You should try it," Kevin said. "Even though it's really just a temporary solution."

"Yeah," she laughed, "I figured that much out. So go back to sleep."

"Good night, Joan."

"Night, Kev."

She quietly left the room, watching her brother lie down again, this time not pulling the blanket over his head. Maybe they'd figure it out, she hoped. And maybe that was the last dinner Kevin left without finishing it.

_More to come..._


	4. Making Her Cry

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine - never were, never will be.

**A/N: **This is again some Joan/ Kevin bonding...and just a short one. Sorry guys! Hope you like it anyway.

_**The Fire and the Wood**_

_Making Her Cry_

_(Joan comes home after her talk with Little-Girl-God in the park)_

Joan slowly walked home from the park, remembering Kevin's angry leaving and God's words that they all should abide to the rules. She had stopped crying but her eyes were still red when she arrived at their house and entered.

Without talking to anybody she went upstairs in her room, closed the door, threw her bag in a corner and lay down on her bed, trying to stop thinking about what Kevin had said and how much it had hurt to see him like that.

She'd really thought that things had gotten better, but now? It had been a long time since he'd made her cry, but today... she'd felt so badly for saying that stupid thing about normal persons and Kevin's reaction to it had just made her cry. Maybe, if they hadn't started to grow closer again the last days, it wouldn't have been so bad, but with all this closeness, the talks they'd had...

It was hard for him, she knew that, it was hard that even though nobody wanted to, everybody treated him differently. Sighing she sat up again, picked up her headphones and was about to put them on to listen to some music, when there was a knock at the door.

"Yeah?" she shouted, happy enough that the door had been enough of a border to cause somebody to knock.

The door opened and she saw Kevin entering. He looked at her carefully and asked, "May I come in?"

Joan looked at him hesitantly. "I'm not sure. Are you gonna explode again?"

Kevin wheeled closer and stopped next to her bed. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

She shrugged. "You scared me. Sometimes I just don't know how to deal with you. I guess you know I didn't mean it this way and still..."

He looked down on his hands in his lap and said, "I don't know why I reacted so harshly. I always complain about everybody treating me differently and when you don't make a difference, I start acting so mean." He inhaled audibly and continued, "I'm sorry, Joan. I really didn't want to make you cry. I was just so..." He didn't finish his sentence, looked at her again for a second and looked down again. "I'm not good at saying I'm sorry, you know that, don't you?"

Joan sighed inaudibly and moved closer to Kevin until she sat on the edge of the bed, facing him. "Yeah," she smiled carefully, "I know. I think this is the first apology I ever got from you."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I think so too. Look, I'm really sorry and if there's anything..."

Joan shook her head. "Forget it, okay? It's been a horrible day for all of us and I just want to forget about it. Grace and Adam are coming over soon and we have to somehow finish this chemistry homework that's due tomorrow. There's really enough going on in my life right now, I really don't need us to be mad at each other."

"I shouldn't always get you into the middle of all of this," Kevin said.

"Kev, we're family. We're always in the middle of each other," Joan explained. "That's what it's all about. But maybe you should consider moving?"

"Moving?" Kevin asked surprised, not knowing what she was talking about. "Like – back home? Alone?"

"Arcadia would be okay I guess," Joan said. "Just leave Pityville."

Kevin grinned. "Arcadia sounds good. I could live with you guys."

"Yeah," Joan smiled. "We're fun people to live with and we have this house and everything..." She stopped, inhaled deeply and obviously fought with tears.

"Hey..." Kevin said softly, "What's wrong? You okay?"

"I don't know," Joan sobbed, tears again running over her face. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't want to cry, but I'm just so... I don't know..."

"Please stop crying," Kevin pleaded. "I'm already feeling bad about making you cry earlier, please stop crying!"

Joan looked at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears in her eyes, but when she looked back at her brother they were again running freely.

"I'm sorry," Kevin said almost whispering. "I'm really sorry."

Joan shook her head and said, "It's not your fault, stop apologizing."

"But it is my fault," Kevin insisted. "I'm making you cry, there's nobody else here."

Joan looked at him again, leaned forward and reached out her arms until Kevin understood, smiled and pulled her into a hug. "Everything's gonna be okay," he whispered. "I promise."

Nodding, Joan held him tight until they heard a knock at the front door. "Guess that's Grace and Adam," Kevin said, releasing the hug.

"Yeah," Joan said. "I'll have to open them. Thanks, Kev."

He smiled, "Thank _you_."

**A/N:** Thanks for reading this far. And I promise: no Joan/ Kevin bonding in the next one. It's time for somebody else to appear in this fic. ;-)


	5. Promises

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine - never were, never will be.

**A/N: **Okay, no J/K in this one. Enjoy some Helen/ Will conversation instead ;-)

_**The Fire and the Wood**_

_Promises _

_(Helen tells Will about the ride in Kevin's car.)_

When dinner was finished and Joan had left for her room, Will and Helen went to the living room where they sat down on the couch.

"So you got Kevin a car?" Will asked.

"Yes," Helen nodded, "I got Kevin a car."

"The ugly vehicle that stood outside?" Will continued asking and Helen nodded again.

"Yes, that ugly vehicle. It was cheap, it's roadworthy and it has hand-controls. Will, please don't be angry, I just had to, I couldn't..."

Will smiled and kissed her on the forehead. "It's okay."

"Really?" Helen asked. "Because I thought you didn't want us to get him a car and let him buy one on his own."

Her husband smiled again and said, "Back to the chicken and egg paradox? No, it really is okay. But how did you get him to take it? He was really into doing it all alone, wasn't he?"

Helen grimaced. "Yeah, he was. And of course he didn't want to have it."

"But you talked him into it."

"I reminded him of the promise I made," Helen said, "And I told him that he wasn't going to stop me from keeping it."

"Do you believe you can keep it?" Will asked, knowing what his wife was talking about, remembering the day she'd told him about Kevin's question and her promise.

"_Kevin asked me today, if he'd ever feel normal again," Helen said. "I didn't know what to say, so I told him that he would. I promised him."_

_Will raised his eyebrows. "How can you promise such a thing, that's beyond your control?"_

"_He was so desperate," Helen whispered. "I didn't know what to do; I had to give him this promise."_

_Will wrapped his arms around his wife in a comforting hug and said, "You can't fix everything for him. Sooner or later he'll have to live his own life again."_

_She nodded slowly and breathed through his shirt, inhaling his scent. "He asked me if he'd ever feel normal again, he didn't ask for anything special. He just wanted to feel normal and I have to make that possible, I simply have to."_

"_Things will become normal again," Will said. "But it'll take a while."_

"_I know," Helen said, "But I'm not sure if he can wait so long."_

"_He'll have to. Like us. We'll all have to wait until normalcy returns."_

She shrugged, waking him from his memories. "I still hope. I will do anything possible, even if it involves getting a car from impound." Looking at her husband she added, "Don't you think we've waited long enough for normalcy to return?"

"I guess that's not on us to decide. Kevin must know when it's time for him to move on."

Helen sighed, "But I can push him a little, can't I?"

Will smiled and kissed his wife before he said, "Yes, you can. I think it won't do any harm. And now he has that car and he's with Luke eating out..."

"It's great, isn't it?", Helen asked and watched Will nodd. "I've been on a drive with him today too," she told him. "We got burgers and the girl in at the drive through counter was flirting with him. That felt a little normal to me."

"Girls flirting with Kevin? That's indeed a normalcy from before the accident. Do you think that's why..."

"... he went out for dinner again? Yeah, I guess. I don't think he's ready for a girlfriend though."

"Give him some more time," Will said. "Kevin's girlfriends will return to our house sooner than you like them to. And then he'll get his own apartment and move out and..."

"Stop it," Helen interrupted him, raising her hands. "I don't wanna hear that now. Can't I be happy he got a car and went out for dinner?"

"You can," Will nodded and hugged her. "And you should." He kissed her again, then stood up and asked, "Share a glass of wine with me?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Please."

He reached for her hand and pressed it. "I love you, you know?" Will said. "I love our family."

She smiled at him. "Yes, I know."


	6. Friends

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine - never were, never will be.

**A/N: **Some Helen/Will/Kevin talking for a change. Let me know which pairings you like best and I'll try to fit them in here. I've been thinking about trying out something new like Kevin/ Grace or Adam/ Will. You think that'd work?

_**Touch Move**_

_Friends _

_(Takes place shortly after the Kevin/ Joan hair-dryer scene in her bedroom.)_

Patiently Kevin waited for the lift to bring him downstairs where he transferred to his downstairs and outdoor wheelchair, the one a little clunkier than the one he used upstairs, but also the one he had gotten more used to. Fitting in. The talk with Joan still spun around in his head. He really hoped that things would turn out fine for her, that she'd make some good friends she'd really connect with. She deserved it. But didn't everybody?

Kevin wheeled to the kitchen where his parents had started breakfast – a weird tension in the air but nothing he could sense that possibly started it. Deciding to ignore it he got the orange juice from the fridge and wheeled to the table next to his father.

"Dad?" he asked and when his father looked up he continued, "Why is it that girls think so much about fitting in? What makes them think that they have to fit in?"

His mother at the oven had obviously overheard him, 'cause she answered instead of his father, "I don't think it's a girl thing, it's a teenage thing. I see all these kids everyday and everyone wants to fit in." She stirred something in a pan and added, "I remember _you_ wanting to fit in."

Kevin raised his hands in defense. "Hey, I was doing sports, fitting in wasn't on my schedule."

"But why did you do sports? Why didn't you join the debate club or the needleworks group?" his mother asked, grinningly, giving away that she knew the answer all along.

"Needleworks? Come on, I'm a guy."

Helen filled the scrambled eggs she'd made on plates and brought them to the table. "I'm just saying that you picked something that'd make you look good." She started to eat and asked between bites, "You talked to Joan?"

Kevin nodded. "She's in a pretty bad I-don't-fit-in-nobody-likes-me mood. That made me remember High school and I don't remember it being that bad with me ever, if I'm honest."

"Because you were part of the crowd, because you did what everybody wanted to do, you had a lot of friends," Will said, for the first time joining the conversation. "Why would that make you feel bad at all?"

Picking his fork into the eggs and staring at his food Kevin shrugged, "Because maybe I already knew back then that all my so-called friends really didn't deserve that title?"

He looked at his parents who seemed a little shocked and saw how their looks met. "Come on, you know what I mean," he told them. "You were right, Dad, everybody was my friend back then, but there's nothing better than crashing your back if you want to find out who's hanging out with you because it's good for their image or because they actually like you. Turned out most of them did it for image reasons."

"Kevin..." Helen started, but he shook his head.

"No, Mom, it's okay, I'm not complaining or whining, I'm just saying. Maybe you can tell Joan and Luke that it's better to have a friend or two that stick with you whatever is happening instead of a bunch of people who run away screaming the minute you're not longer the hero."

Will put his hand on Kevin's back, rubbing him shortly. "You figured it out, so I guess they will too."

"Hopefully without crashing their backs in the process," Helen commented dryly and made Kevin smile.

"Luke never cared so much about what other people think, 'cause if he did he would have given up his science-geek image a long time ago," Kevin said.

"You think we should be worried about Joan?" his father asked, but Kevin shrugged.

"I don't know. Guess she'll be fine." He shrugged again. "Whatever."

Helen nodded and said, "Yeah, when all this teenage depression is over and she already moved out, she might show us a glimpse of how easy living with her could have been."

Kevin and Will smiled but continued eating instead of answering.

"So what's on your agenda for today?" Helen asked Kevin.

"I have another job interview and I'm afraid I'll end up grilling chicken," he said grimacing. "Thanks for breakfast, Mom, but I gotta go."

He pushed back from the table and wheeled towards the door when his father stopped him. "Hey," he said. "You'll be fine too. There is a job somewhere out there that works for you."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah. And I'm on my way out looking for it. Bye Dad, bye Mom."

"Bye, Kevin."

Helen watched him wheel away, then frowned and sighed. "He's right, don't you think?"

"That he'll grill chicken?" Will asked, sensing where this was going and not liking it.

"No, I'm talking about his friends. Do you remember how everybody was coming and going and always sticking around him? Not only the girls but also the guys? He was always out, always having fun and when he was at home there was usually somebody else hanging around too. Then there was the accident and they all disappeared. Andy because of guilt, I assume, and the others..." Helen trailed off, not continuing her sentence. "Do you think, we should have done things differently?" she asked.

"Different how?" Will wanted to know.

"Shouldn't we have taught him how to choose friends? Shouldn't we have been more careful with whom he spent his time?" Helen elaborated.

Will shook his head. "We wouldn't have changed anything. We too considered Andy a good guy and look how it turned out. We are his parents, we taught him values but we're not to interfere with his friends. That is his choice. It's always been and it will always be. Don't blame yourself for it. We all have to start all over again, that's what happens when you move away. New town, new people and maybe new friends. That's how it works. Let's just hope our kids meet people who really care about them."

"Maybe them not fitting in and not having too many friends isn't that bad after all," Helen suggested. "If they have nobody else to be at, they'll stay at home where we can have a look at them."

Will stood up laughing. "You know you can't lock them in their rooms forever."

"I know. I just would like to... sometimes..."

Kissing his wife good-bye Will grabbed his jacket and left for work. "See you tonight," he shouted.

"See you."


	7. Universe

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine – still not. And I'm afraid I don't have enough money to buy anything or anyone. But maybe as a present?

**A/N: **Just a very short Joan introspective after dinner. It might be a little weird, but maybe she just had too much food? Hope you like it anyway.

**Touch Move**

_Universe _

_(Takes place after the dinner when Kevin blurted out the psychic's prediction.)_

Slowly as if every step took all her energy, Joan walked up to her room and sat down on the windowsill, staring out in the dark. 'I feel strange,' she thought. 'Strange that I know the psychic got another one right. Yeah, I can understand that, a dog and a white car are not really great, but my special connection to the universe… she kind of got that right too, didn't she? I mean, isn't talking to God like a special connection? Not everybody does it, as far as I know.

'So what does this mean for Kevin? Will he really dance at his wedding? He shocked us all with that, I think. We all stared at him as if he'd just told us he would be joining the peace corps. It's weird. I want Kevin to walk, to find a job and a nice girl, but I really don't want him to get his hopes up again. And Mom. Especially not Mom. I think she's still hoping for a miracle that'll make Kevin walk again. I know that she will not get it. We all won't. Kevin will stay in that chair forever and we'll all have to live with it.

'But does that mean that the psychic can't be right? He can still meet a girl and get married, and everything can turn out fine, just not on the walking side. Question is… what do I do with this knowledge? I could hardly tell them that I do have a special connection to the universe, they'd considered me to be even more crazy than usual. On the other hand it would be nice for Kevin to know that the prediction is not that unlikely, that he is gonna get married – however that dancing thing is gonna work out.'

She stretched her arms and closed the curtain. Maybe Kevin didn't need to know. Maybe he should better make up his own mind and not care if the psychic was right or not. And maybe she should go to bed.

**A/N:** I know this was short. If you want to know how I interpreted the psychic's prediction go and read my first JoA fic "Dance at my Wedding".


	8. Not Who You Wanted

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N: **I felt so sorry for both, Kevin and Will, after their fight. So I'm going to have a look into both of their heads and hearts, starting with Will in this chapter.

Happy New Year everyone!

_**The Boat**_

_Not Who You Wanted_

_(After the scene with Kevin and Will in Kevin's room.)_

Will left Kevin's room even more depressed and frustrated than he'd entered it. He didn't know what to do with his eldest son; he didn't know what to do or what to say to him to make him leave his shell. He went down to the kitchen where he headed to the coatrack to get his jacket. When Helen entered he'd already put it on.

"How did it go?" she asked.

Will sighed. "Do you really want to know?"

"Of course," she confirmed, already fearing that.

Leaning against the wall and closing his eyes, he felt all the sadness creeping up in him and he felt how much his heart hurt. He said, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

Helen looked at him, saw his pain and stepped closer to him to take his hand. "Why should you be doing anything wrong?"

Will knew that he hadn't felt so lost in a while and wanted to hide somewhere, just to make all the trouble and misunderstanding go away. "Because our son just told me that he thinks he's not who I wanted." His voice had started trembling and he was close to tears. "How can he think that? What have I done that makes him think that?"

"He's frustrated; he doesn't love himself - so he thinks nobody loves him." Helen said slowly, putting a comforting hand on her husband's shoulder that didn't seem to make much of a difference, because Will seemed even more desperate.

"But I do. I love him so much, he's my kid, Helen!" Will said, still unable to understand Kevin's behavior. "What can I do to prove that to him?"

Helen wanted nothing more than to help Will and Kevin find a way back to each other, but she hadn't an answer for him either. "I don't know, Will. Maybe he needs some more time, that's all I can tell you. I think deep inside him he knows that you love him, he just needs time to find that part of himself again." She tried to explain.

"Why did he bury that part so deeply? I don't wanna continue waiting. We've waited for so long now and what have we gotten? A burnt album!" For people who didn't know him, Will would again have seemed calm, but Helen knew better and nodded.

"Yeah, a burnt album. A vain attempt to burn the memories that still haunt him and the memories he doesn't want you to have, because he believes they make you see the difference to who he is now."

Will took both of her wrists in his hands and looked at her with an intense gaze, understanding what she was saying but not willing to accept it. "These memories are a part of him, they'll always be. How can he think it makes a difference to me if he's playing baseball in Arizona or if he's in a wheelchair? I love him no matter what and I can't get through to him anymore."

"I know," Helen said slowly and freed her from his grip when she started to gesticulate. "I know. Your relationship was based on all these things you did together, most of them involving sports. He thinks this part of his life is over and with that everything that connected you."

"But I tried to find something else for us to share. He's not interested in anything else than models. Models! I can't …" he trailed off, realizing he needed all his energy to keep his countenance. He had to go to work; he couldn't spend the rest of the evening mulling over his son.

Helen unconsciously caressed his arm, slowly stroking up and down. "You and Luke never had something that connected you like your love for sports did with Kevin, and yet you and Luke are doing okay."

"This isn't about me and Luke, this is about Kevin," Will said. "I want him to have a life again, a life we can participate in. He's shutting us out, he's not interested in anything real, God, he isn't even leaving this house except when we force him to! I know that Kevin will never be the same again, but does he have to be like _that_? I'm really running out of ideas what we can do. What _I_ can do."

"Because there is nothing you can do," Helen said quietly and pulled him into a hug.

Will returned the hug and it didn't take much longer for him to loose his poise. He hid his face in Helen's pullover and needed a few moments to calm down again. "I'm sorry, Helen," he apologized, but she only smiled and kissed him.

"I love you. You and Kevin will figure it out, I promise."

Will tried to smiled and sighed, "I really have to go back to work."

Helen nodded. "You go and catch the bad guy and I will go and talk to Kevin."

Her husband hugged her again and headed out, going to talk to Mrs. Milner. Helen watched him leave and went to the stairs and up to the first floor.

_TBC_


	9. Trying

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N: **Okay, here comes Helen talking to Kevin after his fight with Will. I think it's a little sappy, but maybe you like it anyway. Let me know. ;-)

**_The Boat_**

_Trying _

_(After the scene with Kevin and Will in Kevin's room and after chapter 8 "Who You Wanted".)_

Helen looked into Kevin's room as soon as she'd reached the upper floor, but Kevin was nowhere to be seen. She sat down on his bed and waited for him to return. Only a little time later she could hear the toilet flush and the tap running. Then he came out of the bathroom, wheeling towards her, already dressed in his pajamas.

When he saw his mother in his room obviously waiting for him, he asked angrily, "What? Today is talk-to-Kevin-day?" He didn't want to talk, both talks he'd had with his parents today had been more than enough. Every single one had been more than enough but he'd known something like that would happen the moment he'd thrown the album into the fire.

Helen shrugged and said, "I talk to you, I talk to your Dad, I talk to you. It's what I do."

'Great,' Kevin thought, 'she talked to Dad. So I don't only have Dad bothering me, I also have Mom. Wasn't it bad enough as it was?' "Why can't you just leave me alone?" he said out loud, ending his strain of thoughts.

"Because I can't stand you two being mad at each other. You're hurt, your Dad's hurt and every time you talk you just seem to be poles apart. You two used to get along so great, is there nothing you can do to have something of that again?" Helen asked.

"Dad used to get along fine with the perfect son he had, the one who was great at sports, who could have every girl and who spent his nights partying. I'm not that son anymore and so there's nothing left that connects us. Live with it, Mom." Kevin was angry and he was tired of telling his parents what he thought they should really know by now. He wasn't the son they wanted, not anymore, and it was time to step to the real about it.

Helen shook her head. "No, I don't believe you. If there was nothing left to connect you, you wouldn't be so hurt and angry and…"

Her son didn't allow her to finish the sentence. "I'm not hurt," Kevin stated firmly. "I might be angry, but I'm not hurt. Why should I?" 'I'm not, am I?' he asked himself but nodded inwardly. 'I know how things work, so it's time for them to accept it, not for me. I already made that step.'

Smiling a weak smile at his lame attempt to be the strong man he'd always wanted to be, Helen said, "Because you told your father that you think he wouldn't want you. That has to hurt."

"He told you?" Kevin asked surprised, his walls starting to crumble, but he knew how to build them up again in record time. That was something he'd learnt by now. He wasn't going to let himself get hurt, so no, it didn't hurt. He was doing okay. More or less. But why did his father have to talk to his mother? Why did the two of them always have to talk about everything?

Helen nodded. "He told me. Do you know how much that hurt him? I think for him that was even worse than the burnt album."

"Yeah," Kevin laughed bitterly, "the truth always hurts." No one knows that better then me, he added silently.

"Come on, you know that this is not the truth. Your father loves you, a love so true and real and unconditional that it only exists between parents and children. He loves you, no matter what. He loved you when you were the sports star and he loves you now you've lost the ability to walk. It doesn't make a difference to him."

"Now _I _don't believe _you_," Kevin said, still the bitterness in his voice, not daring to let her see that what she said affected him. "If it doesn't make a difference, why is there an album full of the big healthy me? Why is it full of photos of the person I used to be and not a single photo of the person I am now? Why, Mom? Why?" He was almost shouting now, not wanting to accept that one could have the memories of the good times and still love him the way he was now. It wasn't working for him, so why should it for anybody else?

"Show me a single picture of you after the accident you would like to see in that album and I'm sure your father will stick it in there. Your father is trying so hard and you keep acting like an offended teenager." Helen was really angry now too.

"Great. So support him and blame the cripple. Thanks Mom." Thoughts were spinning in his mind, but they'd stopped making sense. Everything left was anger.

"I'm not blaming anybody, I'm just trying to make you understand how much you hurt him."

"And how would you know that?" Kevin shouted at her. Why did she always have to be Dad's back-up? Why wouldn't she only once not support him.

"Because he told me. And because he stood in the kitchen, on his way back to work, crying. He really wants to find a way for the two of you to connect again, Kevin, be it with sports or something else. Could you please try that too? I don't expect much, I don't expect you to join the wheelchair basketball team or anything, just try to find something to do with your father."

"Dad… Dad was crying?" Kevin asked surprised when reality began to sink in, more or less ignoring everything she'd said after that. His Dad had been crying? Big, calm Chief-of-Police Dad had been crying? Because of him? Because of what he'd said to him? "He really…"

"Yes," Helen said. "And now he's back to work, trying to arrest a murderer. Go figure."

She stood up, unwilling to continue the conversation. "Good night, Kevin."

Helen walked a few steps towards the door when she heard Kevin say, "I didn't want that."

She looked around and saw him in front of the bed, still facing it, too desperate to even spin around.

"I didn't want to hurt him, I just want him to love me the way I am now and forget about the past." The honesty in his words scared Kevin the most, unable and unwilling to hide any longer.

Helen stopped and returned, sitting down on the bed again, looking at her son.

Kevin hid his face behind his hands, fighting for his countenance, then inhaled deeply and stroked his hair back, not wanting to lose it.

"Come here," Helen asked quietly, padding the space on the bed next to her.

Obeying, Kevin set the brakes and transferred to the bed, looking at her expectantly. Now that he'd given up the distance-setting safety of his chair, he knew that he'd have no excuse to not say the truth anymore. His mother wrapped her arm around him and said, "He loves you exactly the way you are. Don't get me wrong, he'd do anything to make you walk again, he'd trade places with you in an instant – not because he wants you to live his dream, but because he loves you. We all love you, honey, that's something you can just take for granted. But I think you don't love yourself anymore, that's your problem."

Kevin leaned his head against his mother's shoulder, knowing that she was right. He'd stopped loving himself the minute he'd learnt that he'd never walk again. The minute he knew that his life was over – at least the life he'd planned to live. When he'd first seen himself in the mirror after the accident he'd wanted to disappear from this world forever. He still could hardly stand the sight of himself in a wheelchair, that's why he had taken off the full length mirror from his closet. She was right, he didn't love himself anymore. But why would he? What was there left to be loved? He felt a tear falling from his eye and he wiped it away with the sleeve of his pajamas.

"You are still a wonderful person," he heard the quiet whisper. "You're the son we wanted and a great big brother, walking or not walking," his mother said, her hand slowly stroking his back. "Will you please get that into your stupid head?"

Again Kevin had to wipe away a few tears, but this time he nodded and looked at his mother, forcing a smile. "I'll try, okay?"

Helen kissed him on the forehead. "Sure. That's all we ask for."

She continued stroking his back for a small moment, then stood up and said, "Good night, Kevin."

He nodded and pulled his legs up onto the bed. "Good night, Mom. And… thanks."

She smiled a genuine smile and said, "You're welcome."

**A/N:** _A question for you readers out there: I have half-finished some more chapters, but they're for later episodes. Do you want me to post everything in the right order or don't you mind mixing things?_


	10. Company

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine_.

**A/N: **_THE missing scene of Just Say No is of course the talk between Helen and Joan, but I honestly didn't feel able to write about such a topic without feeling too bad about it afterwards. For some strange reason it's easier for me to write about all the other things happening than about this serious issue. So I'm not. This scene takes place after the talk and I'm afraid it's not my best chapter, but the best I could come up with for this ep._

_Please let me know what you think anyway. Thanks!_

_**Just Say No Company**_

_(Takes place after the talk between Helen and Joan.)_

Joan still sat in her room, on her bed, when her mother had long left to join Will in the living room again. They had talked for quite some time, but still Joan couldn't get the thoughts out of her head. When God in the bus had said "evil" he'd meant it.

She turned her music louder and tried to get rid of all the thoughts spinning in her head, when she realized that the thoughts wouldn't go away while she was sitting here, brooding. Being alone now obviously wasn't good for her, so she stood up and went to Kevin's room, where the lights were still on.

Luke and Kevin were playing with their games console and to her it seemed as if they were part of another world. Part of a world without pain and sorrow, where everything was just fun and laughter. She knocked at the doorframe and her brothers turned around.

"Hey," Kevin said smiling. "Wanna join in?"

Joan looked at the game they were playing and shook her head. "No, car racing is not really my thing. And you've only got two pads anyway, don't you?"

Luke nodded but Kevin said, "We could play one after the other. But if you don't want to…"

Joan shook her head again. "No thanks. But I'll stay for rooting, okay?"

The guys nodded and continued their race while Joan sat down on Kevin's bed next to Luke, crossing her legs Indian style and watching her brothers.

It didn't surprise her that they were equals on the console, Luke because his affinity to computers in general and Kevin because of the hours of training he'd had after his accident, trying to kill the boredom.

For a while she got lost in the race, cheering for Luke or Kevin more or less alternating and had almost forgotten about her mother's secret, when the race was finished and her brothers relaxed. Luke had won tightly and was raising his hands and celebrating.

Kevin instead turned around and looked at Joan. "You okay?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, sure," but her eyes and the sound of her voice belied her words.

Her older brother scanned her face, but didn't press the issue.

"You're up for a jump-and-run game?" he asked instead, skimming through the games under the TV and pulling one out.

Joan smiled and nodded. "Sure. Luke, you're in too?"

Luke nodded and Kevin started to click through the menu. "Who starts?" Kevin asked.

"Age before beauty," Joan commented grinningly and leaned back, only to have her older brother start tickling her, so she came back up again with a start.

Watching his older siblings teasing each other, Luke grinned widely, "Guess that leaves me as beauty queen. By the way, have you ever heard that beauty…?"

He wasn't allowed to finish his sentence, because Joan and Kevin exchanged a glance and stopped their fight only to start tickling their younger brother, who didn't have a chance against the two of them.

Luke, being smart enough to realize that pretty soon, was searching for other ways to end the fight and lucky enough for him he was able to grab the game pad from Kevin's lap and press the button to start the game.

When Kevin realized what his brother had done, he let go of him, reached for the pad and sat up straight with so much impetus that he almost fell out of his chair. He was able to save his on-screen character from loosing the first of his three lives and himself from landing on the ground, but the face he involuntarily made during this effort made Joan laugh so hard that she got a hiccup. "Kevin," she said, shuddering from laughing and hiccupping, "Don't kill yourself. It's just a game."

"But one in which he'll never survive level three," Luke added, which earned him a short but killing glance from Kevin.

Kevin did indeed not survive level three, at least not with his first life and handed the pad to Joan.

"See," Luke grinned. "Level three."

Shrugging Kevin said, "So what?" He hesitated a moment, then grinned and asked, "But do you know the difference between a hoodie and a poncho?"

Luke frowned and asked, "What?"

"A hoodie and a poncho."

Joan grinned too, but didn't take her eyes of the TV. "Come on, Luke, are you telling us you don't know the difference between a hoodie and a poncho?"

Luke continued to frown and looked at Kevin. "What happened to you? It's obvious that girls know things like that, but you?"

"Hey," Kevin answered, raising his hands in a played gesture of defense, "I'm a fact checker, I have to know that kind of stuff."

Joan, whose character had just died falling into an abyss in level two, handed the game pad to Luke and asked, "How is it you can tell about all these science things and not know about clothes? Does Mom still buy you your pants?"

He tried to ignore her and started the game, but Kevin kept nagging, "Yeah, does she? And your shirts?"

"Honestly, Luke, isn't there a mathematical explanation for fashion? Maybe you could figure it out and make loads of money in Paris?" Joan continued and fell back on Kevin's bed, giggling like crazy when she saw that Luke had actually killed his character in level one.

Kevin grinned too. "So who isn't getting past level three, huh?"

Luke turned to face his siblings but didn't hand the game pad to Kevin. "So about the hoodie and the poncho?"

"Argh, Luke, forget it, he was just making fun, okay?" Joan said, sitting up again.

"I know," Luke sighed, "But it's not so funny for me."

"Come on, Lukie, just smile and it'll all go away." Joan said and hesitated.

Yeah, it had gone away. Playing games and making fun of Luke had made the thoughts about her Mom go away. Even now that she was realizing this she felt better about it all than earlier alone in her room.

Luke had checked the clock and stood up, "It's time to go to bed anyway, so I'll let you two continue with whatever you're doing."

"Nah," Joan said, "I'm going to bed too. Sleep well, guys."

"Night Joan," Kevin said.

"Night Kevin," she answered and earned a "Good night, John-Boy," from Luke, before he left the room.

Smiling she followed him out of Kevin's room, finally able to find some sleep.


	11. Mooses, Elks and Alienated Daughters

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine._

**A/N: **_I have to admit that I didn't like Bringeth It On the first time I watched it, but now, three or four times later, I think it's a pretty round up episode with not too much "left unsaid". Anyway, I thought it would be nice to have another Will/Helen talk, so here it is._

_**Bringeth It On**_

_Mooses, Elks and Alienated Daughters_

_(This is the continuation of the second scene with Helen and Will talking in bed before going to sleep. So this takes place right on Helen's and Will's bed.)_

Wrapping her arms around her husband's neck, Helen said, "She's got a good dad."

Will tried a smile but for some reason it didn't work. "Honestly, Helen, I haven't been fair to her."

Helen shrugged and said quietly, "She'll survive."

"You promise?" Will asked and made his wife smile.

"I promise."

They held their position a little longer, then Helen grinned and asked, "You wanna hear something funny?"

"Always."

"But this is strictly confidential."

"Hey, I'm the Chief of Police! My security clearance should be high enough, shouldn't it?"

Helen bit on her lower lip and continued to grin. "I'm not so sure. This is more father stuff."

"So shoot and I promise not to tell that you told me."

"Okay." Helen sat back on the bed, crossing her legs and stroking a strand of hair out of her face. "I overheard Luke and Kevin talking today."

"Yeah…" Will said, having no idea where this was leading to.

"Luke came out of the shower and stormed into Kevin's room. I just had to…"

Will smiled. "I promise not to charge you if you let me know what you heard."

"Okay, here it comes," Helen began. "Luke started some weird metaphor with mooses and elks, about a moose telling another moose that it was really an elk. I didn't get it."

"But Kevin did?"

Helen shook her head. "No, obviously neither, so Luke had to be more specific and the actual question that came out was if he were gay if he liked a lesbian."

"Luke's gay?" Will asked surprised.

"No! Of course not," Helen detested. "But obviously someone told him that."

"Because…?" Will asked, obviously totally confused.

"… he likes a lesbian."

Will frowned. "So Luke likes a lesbian? Have all fifteen year old teenagers already figured out their sexual orientation?"

Helen shook her head again. "No. And I don't think that he really likes a lesbian."

"So you know who we're talking about?"

"Come on, Will," Helen laughed, "Even you should know. You met her."

"I met…" Suddenly the penny dropped. "This girl I thought was a boy. Grace? Was that her name?"

Helen nodded. "Grace Polk. I'm pretty sure we're talking about her. And the rumor is that Grace's playing for the other team."

"The rumor?" Will asked, already knowing that his wife wouldn't trust this rumor.

"I don't believe it," Helen said. "She might not be in the crowd and she might dress like a boy, but I don't think she's a lesbian."

"And Luke likes her?"

"It looks like that. And someone – my bet's on Friedman – told him that he had to be gay because he likes her. Poor Luke was so irritated that he had to talk to someone."

"That's why he ended up with Kevin." Will observed. "And what did Kevin say?"

Helen laid back her head and smiled widely. "Oh, Kevin was just great. I couldn't have done it better. He asked Luke what he were thinking about when he were alone, passing the time…"

"Ah," Will smiled. "And Luke said…"

"Luke said something about getting to the next level on Diablo. He didn't have a clue what Kevin was talking about." Helen laughed.

Will grinned. "Right now I don't know if I should be happy about that or scared."

"Be happy that he's obviously not thinking about sex all the time, at least not yet. But when Kevin was a little more specific, Luke realized what he was talking about and it turned out that it was girls."

"Good Kevin," Will smiled.

"Yeah," Helen nodded, still laughing, "But Luke had to promise him that they wouldn't have to have that conversation again."

"So with the help of his big brother he figured out that he's not gay. Wow. I told you, we should have stopped at two. I'm not sure I would have been able to have that conversation with him without starting to laugh."

"Me neither," Helen said. "Kevin did a great job."

Will nodded and smiled. "I'm really glad that Kevin's back at being the big brother."

"I'm too. That job at the newspaper seems to be good for him."

"Yeah. But now that Kevin's back to normal, Luke starts to freak out and I start to freak out Joan." Will sighed. "When is this ever going to end?"

Helen put her hand on his shoulder. "Depends on which college Luke attends. I'd go for six years maximum."

Smiling, Will wrapped his arms around her. "Only two if we're lucky."

"But just imagine them to all move out at once. I don't like that idea either."

"Me neither. It's good to have them all here, even with all the regular freak-outs. It's going to be okay. It is okay, I guess. Nobody's pregnant, nobody's taking drugs… I think we're doing okay."

"Only that we thought Joan could be pregnant, that we really don't wanna know with what substances Luke is experimenting in his room and that I was almost kicking our paralyzed son out because his attitude was too frustrating too handle."

"But Joan isn't pregnant and Kevin's doing fine. You're right about Luke's experiments, but I don't think he's got a crack kitchen up there. Relax." Helen tried to calm down her husband, freed herself from his embrace, crawled behind him and started to massage his shoulders. "Just relax."

Will sighed and leaned back against her chest. "Mooses, elks and alienated daughters and you want me to relax?"

"Yes, I want you to."

"Okay," he smiled. "You're the boss."

-------------------------------------------------

**A/N:** _So? What do you think? BTW for once I'll try and stay with the chronological order, but I might insert another scene here or there later or jump a little further if my muse is at sleep._


	12. Overheard

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine._

**A/N: **_I've been thinking about what to write for "Death be not…" and since I didn't really want to write about Rocky and because I thought that Joan and Adam had talked enough, I had problems to come up with something. Finally I had an idea that's maybe a little far fetched, but I thought I'd write it anyway. Here we go._

_**Death Be Not Whatsoever**_

_Overheard _

_(This happens after the last scene of the episode, when Joan comes home after her drive in the bus.)_

Still thinking about what God had told her, Joan finally gave up her place in front of the house and went in. Nobody was to be seen so she climbed up the stairs. Kevin's wheelchair was standing at the base of the stairs, so she expected him to be upstairs, but she didn't expect to find what she did.

Kevin and Luke were both in the hallway, between the bathroom and Kevin's room, both paralyzed like dead in their tracks. Joan started to say something, but Kevin put his finger to his lips to tell her to stay quiet and Luke gestured to go to Kevin's room.

When Kevin nodded, Joan followed her brothers and sat down on Kevin's bed, next to Luke.

"What happened? You two okay?"

Kevin didn't react to her question, but Luke nodded. "Yeah, we're okay, but seems like Mom's not."

"Mom? What's wrong with Mom?" Joan was all of a dither.

"Nothing, really," Kevin said quietly. "We overheard her talking with Dad." He sighed and his features belied the words he'd just said. "I'd really hoped this was over."

"What? Kev, what was over?" Joan asked carefully.

Kevin shook his head, obviously not wanting to answer. Something had really touched him, touched him so deeply that he seemed to be struggling not to lose his poise.

Luke looked at Kevin, then at Joan and then at the floor, before he said, "Mom has been seeing a priest and reading books about death."

Joan inhaled deeply, her heart beating fast. "What? Is Mom…?"

"No, no! It… it…" Luke started, but didn't know how to finish.

"It was about me," Kevin said, trying to hold Joan's look. "Mom told Dad that to her it sometimes feels as if I died."

Joan, with all she'd heard and seen the last days, was too confused to interpret this correctly. "But… you're here. We're all fine, aren't we? Nobody is dying, right?"

Luke started to say something, but suddenly the phone rang and he took his chance to escape the conversation. "Must be Friedman. I'll get that," he said and disappeared to his room to take the call there.

Joan looked at Kevin, waiting for him to calm down and be able to explain why this was so emotionally exhausting for him.

"Nobody's dying, but isn't it pretty clear what Mom meant? Before the accident I used to be a pretty different person. That person died and all that's left is me. The son they loved and wanted died that night." Kevin was still struggling, but he seemed to be doing okay.

Hesitating for a moment and searching for words, Joan looked at her brother and carefully put a hand on his arm. "Do you really think that?"

"I don't know, Joan, I really don't know. Every time I think we all finally figured it out, that we finally understood how to handle things and that it would all turn out fine something like this happens. I'm really doing okay, why can't she just leave it with that?" He had started gesturing and made his sister pull her hand away.

Joan tried a smile to cheer him up, but he really wasn't in the mood to be cheered up. "But maybe this isn't about you and how you manage. I guess this is only about Mom and how she feels about it."

"But shouldn't this be about _me_? I know that my accident affected all of you, but shouldn't this come to an end? I'm not exactly living the life I planned, but it's not so bad." Kevin sighed. "The job at the paper is okay, really, I like it. Why can't she accept that?"

"I'm sure she does accept that and she's happy for you. Kevin, in all this learning to cope and trying to handle you just overtook her. You've come to terms but she hasn't. Allow her to take her time, too." Joan pleaded, asking for him to understand their mother.

"You think she hasn't come to terms? She's been pushing me all the time. She told me to get a job and a car… everything. And now you're telling me she hasn't come to terms?" Kevin was hiding his sadness behind a mask of anger.

"There's a difference between pushing you and accepting it for herself and you know that. Stop blaming her, please?" Joan asked.

Kevin grabbed the armrests of his chair and pushed himself up to relieve the pressure – Joan had seen him do that thousands of times, but right now she realized it again.

"It's not so easy for all of us," she said. "You're right, it should be about you, but… you know… seeing you in that chair every day… sometimes it's still hard for us too."

Seeing the look on his sister's face Kevin knew that she hadn't said this to blame him or to make him think that she had problems with him in the chair, but only to make him understand that his accident had really affected all of them and that they all dealt with it – everyone with his or her own speed. Maybe their mother hadn't had the time she needed, because she had been busy trying to get him back into life. And now that he was back at regaining life she finally had the time. Maybe that was why she'd told their father only today how she felt?

"I know," he told her slowly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

"You shouldn't have overheard them in the first place." Joan finished his sentence and made him smile.

"Yeah. Just imagine they'd have been talking about something else."

"Or doing something else," Joan added and both of them shuddered disgusted

"That's gross."

"It is."

"Thanks," Kevin said still smiling. "I was already jumping into the 'I'm not the son they wanted' mood again."

"I know. But I've had enough drama the last days, so I couldn't let you." Joan said, forcing a half-grin.

"What happened?" Kevin asked, for once back in big-brother-mode.

Joan sighed and let herself fall back on her brother's bed. "You know this kid I babysat? Rocky?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"He's dying. He's got this disease that kills him."

"What? He's dying? He's a kid, he…" Kevin was surprised and shocked.

"You should have seen him," Joan said. "He's such a good kid. A little weird because he's kind of obsessed with death, but he told me that it's okay to die. Isn't that strange? A kid tells me about death." Joan sat up again and looked at her brother. "And it becomes even stranger. Rocky took me to the cemetery and I found out why Adam doesn't like November. He told me that he doesn't like it, but he never told me why. Turns out his mother died in November. I… I didn't even know his mother was dead and now… "

Kevin reached out and put a hand on her knee. "A lot of death, huh?"

"Yeah," Joan nodded and a single tear began to fall from her eyes. "And then I come home and I hear that Mom's reading books about dying…and…"

"I'm sorry…," Kevin said. "You shouldn't have had to…"

Joan shook her head. "No, it's okay, it's just that…"

Kevin shook his head too and said, "It's not okay. Come here!"

He reached out for his sister and pulled her into a hug. She returned the hug and sighed. "Thanks, Kev."

"Always. Anything else you wanna talk about?"

Joan shook her head again. "No, I think I'll go to bed. Night."

"Night."

She slowly stood up and went to the bathroom. A lot of death. Really.


	13. Proud Of You

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine, never were, never will be._

**A/N: **_Okay, no Joan in this one. It's Luke/ Kevin bonding. The end of the scene kind of broke my heart, so I had to continue it and make it better. I hope you like it. Please let me know what you think._

_**The Devil Made Me Do It**_

_Proud again_

_(A scene inserted after the K/L scene in which Kevin gets rid of his toys)_

Luke went to his room, Kevin's words still in his ears. _You're going to be proud of me again_. He sat down at his desk, continuing to work on his experiment, but somehow he couldn't concentrate. Luke Girardi, the geek, the genius – unable to concentrate. He shut down his computer and lied down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Kevin's behavior, yesterday and today, really bothered him. Yesterday he had been angry, because his brother had really tried to steal something and had only given it back because he made him to. That he'd been yelling at the clerk didn't make things better. He wasn't used to fight for Kevin. His brother had been right, the natural order had been reversed. He hadn't realized it, because he had been too confused with everyone's behavior, but now he saw it too. It hadn't been Kevin who'd been defending him, who'd been fighting his fight like he'd always done when they'd still been in High school together, yesterday he'd fought Kevin's fight, telling the clerk about his embarrassing behavior.

Apparently something like that had happened to Kevin before, 'cause otherwise he wouldn't have tried it, at least not so obviously.

Luke suddenly realized that he knew nothing about his brother. Kevin hadn't told anybody anything about something like that happening before. He wasn't complaining about other people's behavior, ever since he got the job at the newspaper he had seemed to be fine again. Yesterday night had shown that this wasn't true. Kevin wasn't fine again and maybe he'd never be.

What Kevin had said earlier, so much of it was true. His older brother had always been stronger, faster and better-looking. There had never been a doubt about it. Luke sighed. He had gotten used to it, that had just been the way it had always been. Kevin had been the star, the sports guy, the one everybody loved. The only ones who'd loved him at Jefferson High had been the teachers. Back then he'd complained about it, but then he'd gotten used to it and now he wanted nothing more than to turn back time and have that life back again. The life of Kevin Girardi's younger brother.

_You're going to be proud of me again_.

The words clanged in his head again. Yeah, he had been proud of Kevin, like everybody had. It had been good to have him on his side, but honestly… he'd often enough wished things to be a little harder for Kevin. Everything had been so easy for him and he'd never seen him struggle – until that fateful night of the accident.

Luke rubbed his palms over his face and let his thoughts spin further. Nobody could ever say that Kevin hadn't struggled then, 'cause he had, like everyone after such a life-changing accident would have had. Luke had seen him struggle, had seen how hard it had become for him to perform all these everyday acts you just forget about because you're so used to doing.

Kevin had paid for all that he hadn't had to pay for during High school and the price he'd paid was high. Still he'd fought his way back to life and was leading a life everybody paid deference for to him. That had definitely been the hardest fight he ever had to fight and still he'd won. Luke sat up, knowing there was something he had to say to him, something he deserved to hear. He wondered for a second if it was a good idea, because it meant reversing the natural order once more, but after that second he felt it was right.

Kevin looked up when he again heard a knock on the doorframe. Surprised to see Luke again he stopped packing his figures away and asked, "What's up?"

This time Luke entered the room and sat down on Kevin's bed, facing him over the table. "I _am_ proud of you, you know," he said slowly.

Looking at him even more surprised, Kevin put the figure he'd still held in his hand back on the desk and asked, "What?"

"Earlier you said that I was going to be proud of you again and I wanted you to know that I am proud of you. Well…" he hesitated, "not because of what you did yesterday because that was really weird, but I think you must have had reasons for it, so…" Luke shrugged, suddenly feeling very young and stupid again, so he decided to go back to his room and stood up.

Kevin, who hadn't said anything yet, released the brakes of his chair and wheeled towards him, blocking his way out. "You really mean what you just said?"

Luke felt even more uncomfortable now that Kevin was confronting him, but he shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, I do."

Shaking his head Kevin looked up to Luke and said, "Do you know how crazy that is? I can't even look in the mirror right now and you…"

"Different point of perspective," Luke said.

"Point of perspective?" Kevin asked. "What do you mean with that?" He watched Luke inhale to start an explanation, then stopped him and said, "A science-metaphor free explanation, please."

Luke nodded. "Okay, science-metaphor free. It means exactly what I said. I have another point of perspective, not only because I'm standing and you're not, but also because I'm the younger brother who was never the one anybody looked up to, so I think it's fair to say that I kind of live in another world than you and that's why I have another perspective."

"And from your perspective I'm not a moron? Luke, I really tried to steal that stuff. Only you being there made me give it back." Kevin was gesticulating to emphasize what he was saying and added, "I don't know what got into me."

Luke hesitated, then sat down on the bed again. "I don't believe that. It would have been a completely illogical and you're usually not that illogical."

Kevin looked at his brother who was now back on eye-level and scratched his head, trying to figure out if he was supposed to tell him. Finally he decided to do it and explained about the events in the music store. "I was so angry and there was nothing I could do. I wanted him to take that CD back, maybe even yell at me because I tried to steal something, but he didn't. I had hoped it was an exception, but yesterday evening it turned out to be the rule."

"But you can't steal something just to make your point. Why didn't you confront him?" Luke asked, wanting to understand.

"I heard you doing it," Kevin said. "You were right, he could as well have spit on me. But do you really believe it would change anything? Will he treat the next wheelchair driver differently? I know I should fight and I promise I will, I'm just not sure if it's worth it, if it'll change anything," he admitted.

"If you don't try it, there isn't even the chance of changing anything. Life's all about fighting and only the strongest are going to survive. You've fought so hard and I believe you're stronger than most of us. That's why I'm proud to be your brother. I'm prouder now that I've seen you struggling and fighting than I have been back when you were in High school and everything just flew to you. I guess we all are." Luke hadn't looked into his brother's eyes during his confession, but now he looked back up and faced Kevin, who smiled embarrassed.

"I guess I really needed to hear that," he admitted. "And I do owe you an apology for yesterday, even though I'm not good at that."

"No, it's okay, it's…" Luke started, but Kevin interrupted him.

"No, it's not okay. You were there seeing me behave like a complete moron and you even had to fight my fight. That's just not okay. I'm sorry it happened, I really am. And I promise it won't happen again."

"Thanks," Luke smiled. "I'll go back to my room, I just wanted to let you know, so…"

"You could stay," Kevin said immediately. "Really, I think it would be cool if we could… you know, just hang out."

Luke smiled even wider, proud that he'd risen in his brother's respect that he'd actually hang out with him. "Yeah, sure, I could do that."

"We could go and have a milkshake or something, if you want to."

"Milkshake?" Luke asked, even more surprised that Kevin wanted to hang out in public. "Yeah, cool."

"Then let's go. I can get rid of my toys later."

Luke nodded and followed Kevin who was already wheeling out of the room. Milkshakes with Kevin. Who'd have thought?

**A/N:** _I know I haven't posted in a while, but I wasn't sure if this is worth being continued. I'd appreciate it, if you could leave a small review, telling me to stop or go on. Thanks._


	14. Talk To Each Other

**So much left unsaid**

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine._

**A/N: **_Thanks so much for the encouraging review for chapter 13, they really made me feel good about this. So I'm going to continue. For now. Here's what I think happened after the therapy session in St. Joan. Let me know if you like it._

_**St. Joan **_

_Talk __To Each Other_

_(Takes place after the last scene of St. Joan and refers to the events of chapter 12 "Overheard".)_

Nobody looked at each other and nobody said anything. All that was to be heard was Kevin's silent sobbing, not even the therapist broke the silence. When Will looked around at his family he could see the shock on the faces, the pain and the sorrow and the sympathy for Kevin. He knew they had to talk about this, that they couldn't stop here and leave Kevin with the impression that what he'd said agreed with all of them, but he didn't think that here was the right place to talk. He longed for the well known cozyness of their living room or kitchen. When trying to get Helen to look at him to reassure he was doing the right thing, he decided that this was one of the times he had to be the leader of this famliy and stood up. "We're going to continue this at home," he said. To the therapist he nodded, "Thanks for your help, but I think we'd all feel better at home."

When nobody talked back he took it as a silent agreement and went to Kevin to push him out. He knew he hated it, but he also knew that this was a special situation. Leaving the room and waiting for the lift in the hallway he made sure that everybody followed. They didn't talk in the car and when they'd reached the house, Luke and Joan were already on their way to their rooms before Kevin had waited for the lift to bring him the few stairs up to the front door. With his calm voice but loud enough to imply that he wouldn't accept any contradictions he called them back, "Joan, Luke! In the living room! We're not done yet!"

He went to the fire place and started to light a fire while waiting for the rest of the family to come and take their usual places in the living room, Helen on the couch, leaving space for him, Kevin, who'd at least stopped crying, with his back to the fireplace and Joan and Luke next to him, on the floor. It looked as if they were going to watch a movie, but he was afraid that this was going to be a little harder.

Sitting down next to Helen he said, "We're going to talk about this now, once and for all. Nobody will go to bed before we're done here. So, who's going to start?"

He looked from Helen to the kids, but they all stared at the ground, nobody willing to say something. "Okay, so I will. I think this is pretty hard for all of us, so I'm not going to play it down or pretend I know all the answers or know what any of you is thinking, but what I know is that I don't think you're right, Kevin. I don't blame you for what happened and I don't think anybody else does. Yeah, you were partying and you went with Andy in his car even though you knew he was drunk. That was a stupid thing to do but I think you've more than paid for it. Things have changed for all of us since then, but there is no stain on the carpet we didn't talk about. If there is, it's definitely not the accident. The accident wasn't anybody's fault."

"Your father is right," Helen agreed. "There's really no need for you to feel guilty. It doesn't help anybody, it doesn't change things and it's not what I think."

"And not what I think either," Joan added, looking up at her brother next to her. "I know it still bothers you, but either not so much has changed for me or I've gotten used to the changes. I don't see my life being so different from before. Maybe it would have been even more different if you had stopped living with us and had gone to Arizona."

"Life changes constantly," Luke said, "that's one of it's basic laws. If you don't go forward, you go backwards. And even though you might again not listen to me, I have to say that I don't agree with what all the others said. Yes, you shouldn't have gotten into that car, but in the first instance Andy shouldn't have been driving. You're right, God didn't do it, the universe didn't conspire and the planets didn't align against you, it was just Andy Baker driving drunk."

Kevin was rubbing his eyebrow, hearing what everyone was saying and taking it in. "But the accident changed everything, not only for me but for all of you. It shouldn't have come this way."

Joan raised her voice again. "But honestly, Kev, it hasn't changed so much, at least not for me. Okay, the first weeks after the accident everything was different, but now? My life's pretty much the way it would have been without the accident too. I'm no more or less crazy because of it, I'm not missing anything, nothing's bothering me… really, everything's fine."

Kevin shook his head and looked at his sister. "It's all so present, so un-ignorable. There are wheelchair adjustments everywhere in this house and maybe we wouldn't even live in this house if I hadn't done it. Maybe we'd still be living at home."

Again it was Joan who said something. "But I don't care about a chair lift at the stairs or a shower bench or whatever you think about. These are things that are just there and I don't think about them anymore. I have to admit that I don't even think about your wheelchair most of the time. It's just a part of you that's there, like a new sweater or a new haircut. You see it for the first time and you might be a little irritated, but when you see it for the second or third time, it's something that's just there and that you get used to."

"And we would have to moved to Arcadia one way or the other," Will said. "I wanted this job, I thought it was a great opportunity and I took it."

Kevin looked at his mother, hesitatingly at first, then he asked, "But Mom, I _know_ that it still bothers you, that you too are living with what happened but haven't really accepted it. Not yet. So could you at least be honest and tell me that this all has been my fault? Finally?"

He looked expectantly at his mother, then at Joan who remembered their talk a few weeks ago. The night Kevin and Luke had overheard her mother talking about the feeling that Kevin died the night of the accident. So she returned his look and raised her eyebrow. Hadn't they talked about that? She'd really thought Kevin was fine with that by now.

Helen didn't see the wordless exchange between Joan and Kevin, she was too focused finding the right words to say what she wanted. "You're wrong, Kevin, I don't think it has been your fault, honestly not. It was an accident, yes, one that changed our lives, yes, but I don't think this is a question of fault and it shouldn't be a question of guilt either. I don't blame you for what happened. I started to blame you for only staying in your room, not getting out, not looking for a job and not looking for a life, but I guess you started just in time before getting in trouble… so…"

"He overheard you talking," Luke said, interrupting his mother and - from his point of view – trying to get the discussion over. "We did."

"What did you overhear?" Will asked.

Again Joan looked at Kevin, this time waiting for him to tell their parents. "Mom and you… you were talking about dying. About me dying," he finally said. "Mom cried and…" Kevin stopped talking and stared at the ground, not willing and able to face his parents.

Will and Helen exchanged a look, seeking answers in the other one's face, an answer to the question what to say now. They both new that this was something between Kevin and Helen and Will even thought about taking Joan and Luke and leave the two of them alone but then decided against it. They'd gone to _family_ therapy and they'd solve this issue as a family. He looked at Helen again, waiting for her to start explaining.

"I didn't want you to hear it," she said slowly. "And it has absolutely nothing to do with fault. I have just been starting to think again, now that you're doing better and yeah, you're right, I haven't really accepted it. I still wish that I wake up someday and it was all only a bad dream, but everyday I wake up it's still there and it's still real. I'm sorry Kevin, you deserve someone better and stronger to support you, but sometimes I just have to step back and find myself again in all this drama. I need to figure out things for myself so that I can be there for all of you. Maybe that makes me weak and a bad mother, but I can't change it. We gave you so much time to figure things out, but all this time I was doing all the work, I was organizing things, I was helping you, finding solutions for everything… I did it all and it was okay, but it didn't leave me time to find myself again. I need that time and I need to talk about it. With my husband. And this has nothing to do with you in the first place."

Kevin had been listening to what his mother said and he could very well understand her, but what he couldn't understand was why it had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with him, hadn't it? "But Mom…"

"No," she interrupted him. "Kevin, please don't. Don't blame yourself again because I've heard it already tonight and I want you to stop thinking like that. It was an accident and if we're going to blame somebody I'm going with Luke and am blaming Andy. Not you. I never have and I never will. I took this as a challenge and I thought I was doing fine. I really thought that, up until the day you started to have a life again. Turned out that I'm not doing so fine, but that I'm an expert at repressing things."

Will, Joan and Luke all listened, unable to say something and unwilling to interrupt whereas Kevin knew he couldn't just stay silent. His mother was still fighting the fight he'd almost won by now and he hadn't seen it. Well, Joan had told him that she just needed time, but for him she'd always been the strong mother, doing everything. To hear it from her, to hear that she was weak was new. A feeling so new that he suddenly felt better, so much better that it felt as if it was time to be the one helping, not the one to be helped.

He smiled weakly at his mother and said, "You're definitely not a bad mother. You're the best. I… I'm sorry I started this tonight, I shouldn't have. If you need time, take it. As you said, I'm doing okay, my life is okay… and…" He hesitated. "And if there's something I can do, then let me know. Sometimes I feel as if I've forgotten how a real family works. Sorry."

Helen smiled back and reached out to hug Kevin. "I'm glad you started it," she said. "Even though I can't stand seeing you cry. But I'm tired of hiding my feelings, so..."

"And I already told him he should stop overhearing you," Joan added, making her parents giggle. "But maybe you could have those conversations somewhere else."

Will nodded grinningly. "We will. We so will."

Luke asked, "Does this mean we're done now? There are a few of us playing online tonight and I would really…"

Helen, who'd let go of Kevin, told him that he was free to go and sighed. "No more family therapy?", she asked and everybody nodded. "No more family therapy."


End file.
